Loch Ness Ashleigh?

 

Seperated at birth or what!?! I dunno about that, but those girls can do amazing things with a bit of make up.
In this blog I will compare the infamous Ashleigh Harris to another infamouse character, perhaps you've heard of her. Loch Ness Monster? Nessie? The Kilted Flamingo? All names that she tries to pass off with, but I am on to her lies.
First and foremost, I will present a copy of a conversation about Ash I once overheard.

CHEF’S DAD
Say, would you crackers like to hear
about the time we saw the Ashleigh monster?
STAN
No, that’s okay.
CHEF’S DAD
Ooh, must have been about seven, eight
years ago. Me and the little lady was
out on this boat, you see.
All alone at night. When all of a
sudden this huge creature, this giant
crustacean form the paleolithic era
comes out of the water.
CHEF’S MOM
We was so scared. Lord have mercy I
jumped up in the boat and I said
Thomas! What on Earth is that
creature.
CHEF’S DAD
It stood above us looking down with
it’s big red eyes.
CHEF’S MOM
Oh, it was scary.
CHEF’S DAD
And I yelled, I said ‘What do you want
with us monster?’ and the monster bent
down... and said... ‘I need about
three-fiddy’.
KYLE
What’s tree-fiddy?
CHEF’S DAD
Three dollars and fifty cents.
CHEF’S MOM
Tree fiddy.
STAN
He wanted money?
CHEF’S DAD
That’s right. I said ‘I ain’t giving
you no tree-fiddy you damn Ashleigh
monster! Get your own damn money!

The above evidence presents the fact that Ash is from the paleolithic era, Ash herself claims to be 18. Now, I'm no fancy big-town lawyer, but I sure as hell know that the paleolithic era was more than 18 years ago!
Now, some lore says that Nessie, you don't mind if I call her Nessie do you? Okay. Nastifar is supposed to be a very gentle creature. If she's so gentle then why is Loch Ness filled with blood ehh? Have any of you been to Loch Ness? Do you dispute my claim? See it for yourselves boyos and girl... o's
Also... The pants... Come on people... The pants.
Anywho, I've made my claim and I am staunchly supporting it. Why can't they find the Loch Ness Monster in Loch Ness? Because the female monster it is has taken residence in our very town! Gather the pitchforks and flames, we must drive this accursed wretch from our soil and cleanse the land of her misdeeds!

Always with love,
~Sean

p.s. You can go on with the cleansing without me, I'm busy playing San Andreas.

p.p.s. I thank http://www.southparkcows.com/scripts/303.pdf and the creaters of South Park for their generous contribution to this blog!

Zoooma!

Yep, I'm writing about the mythical Zoooma... And some of the events which preceded/followed it's discovery.
Alright... I shall start with Friday. I can't remember anything except that we had a "Code Lockdown"... Doesn't that sound so pussy-ish compared to "Code Red"!?! Like... Code Red is a man's code, code lockdown (code pussy) is a woman's thing. Anyway, Mr. Jones didn't lock the door so Kozner was able to break into the class room and give us a speech about school shootings. All of which contradicted everything that happened in Columbine and all other major shootings. But none the less Kozner decided to go on and on about really stupid shit that would never happen, and that does not describe the average school shooter.
After that I decided not to go to English. Instead, Peter and I went to Mike's Subs. On the way we spotted a gem in the rocks. ZOOOMA! If you don't have any clue what a zoooma is then I don't care. If you really want to know, go to google.ca and type in ZOOOMA (remember the 3 O's) into images. Did you do it yet? I'll wait...
Did yeh see it? Damn straight.
Anyway, it was in need of some sprucing up, but it worked, so we decided to ride it to Mike's. I did a bitching parking job with it.
Pete and I got our subs, and then we were off to eat them at his house.
Fast forward a bit.
We brought it to school, and Pete carried it into the Student Council room. There the people marveled over it. We decided to bring it outside and just randomly go down stuff on it. Twas damn fun.
Anyway, Sam and I brought it over to Sam's house, and there we took off the front brakes, we oiled the back wheels, and we oiled the steering. It was bitchingly fast after that!
Anyway, I needed to bring this bad boy home, so I rode it home, on the back streets so I would not attract too much attention. Anyway, about half way home I found out why this thing was discarded. The wheel kinda slid off... Something must have been screwed up with the bolt. Anywho, I took a bit of a spill, but the most pain came from me lugging that thing back to my house on my back.
But anyway, twas all worth it, tis doing to be a quick fix with that wheel.
That night Billy and Dan came over and we had quite a shindig, hung with Nik and her assorted gang of drunken stoners.
Saturday was pretty boring, and today is Sunday. Sunday I did my laundry and put awak the dishes, so this week is complete.
Anywho... I'm so bored, please god, give me something to do!

~Sean

Easter Weekend

Yeah, I havn't written a blog about myself in a while. So... I'm doing it now.
My Easter long weekend is coming to a close, and as I look back... It seems like it was forever! God, Like... Thursday feels like litteral ages ago. But it was good for most of it. Today and Yesterday were kind of the slow and awkward points. Today was just plain shit-tastic. I woke up at a decent hour, but an hour after I woke up MSN decided to be a bitch and kicked me off. It wouldn't let me back on. Around 11 o'clock I decided to have my shower and that I would head to work soon to get some extra hours. That didn't go over well, as my mom suddenly decided she would have an Easter Dinner. I didn't mind at all, for she told me there would be scalloped potatoes in store. :)
Anywho, I ended up calling Greg back and telling him I wasn't going to come in early. Twas now roughly 12:30 or 1 o'clockish, and my MSN still wouldn't let me on. Hmm... I ended up hitching a ride with my mom to Sam's house to finally retreive my school bag that I had discarded there on Thursday. Then she dropped me off at home and Nik, MC, and Mom went out shopping and to get stuff for dinner, she said that she would be back in an hour. Well, two hours later, she came back and I dunno, apparently they got held up shopping or something, but meh. The thing is that I stayed home and didn't go and get more hours at work and I still would miss Easter dinner, which kinda pissed me off, but whatever. For all my readers I am eating the Easter Dinner I speak of now. I got next to none of those scaloped potatoes though, damned stoners... Eaten all of my scaloped potatoes!
Anyway, when I set off to bus downtown for work MSN still wasn't working. Which means that since 10 o'clock I had no bloody contact from anyone outside of me house, other than Sam of course.
Work wasn't too bad, and I was pretty awake for the whole night. Work actually cheered me up a lot, for the fact that I actually had my coworkers to talk to, and Jill was supervisor tonight, so all was well.
I nearly missed my bus stop on my way home. I was turning a page and I noticed the bus was where I needed to get off, I was way too entranced by the book I'm reading.
Anywho, That was today!
I guess I shall string the best parts of the rest of my long weekend together as I remember them. Hmm... Sunday morning/afternoon I watched The Nightmare Before Christmas while talking to Nic, twas fun, I enjoy talking to her. :) And I went to my Grandma's for an Easter dinner there with the family. Twas good there except my mom was being quite annoying, twas because of Jenn though, so whatev.
Umm... some time around 11 o'clock that night Billy told me to go to Tim Horton's with him... So I did, I was totaly bored out of my mind. On the walk there I imagined myself being shot and shit, I don't know why. Gotta love my immagination!
Anywho... We went to Timmy's, and as usual the bitches were out of sesame seed bagels! I walked home on account of it being Sunday and a Holiday, so I figured the buses would come one a fortnight... Funny thing is that I encountered no buses the whole time as I walked from Fennel to Limeridge along Upper Ottawa. Fuck you fortnight!
Saturday... Umm... I went to Josh's house and... I can't quite remember, I basically just ate his food and chilled on the computer, lol.
Friday was the day that Billy, Dan, and I had our get together, twas sweet. I distinctly remember nothing. But now it has come back. Haha bad memory! We played that new game of Billy's and made fun of some murman with a headache and a speach impedimant. Also, ovenhead. We also had KFC, and their ceaser salad tastes like cesar ass!
Thursday... Argh!
I remember that all went pretty good, I was totaly scared out of my mind of the English presentation. Jones came back for the last day before the break, and twas good. He just made sure we learned the right shit while he was gone. Math... We didn't do anything productive in math. Then came the dreaded English. I went through my presentation as smoothly as I possibly could, and I even looked up from my paper quite a bit. :P I easily went through the whole class, and I fielded the questions well I think. All together I think I got the point across. Supposedly my presentation went very well, but I didn't hear this from Mikulan, so I am not convinced. After school I chillaxed with Sam, and that was hella fun. Like... Seriously, twas fucking awesome. Hmm... Wait, I think that was another day when I chilled with Sam... There goes my memory again! Anywho, I picked up a bitching coat, as all who saw me Thursday can attest to.
The show at the Corktown was fucking awsome, except Ingrid, for some reason I really just don't like those guys, I did the first time I saw em, but this time they just pissed me off. Got pretty shitty nearing the end as Nick died on stage, and some stupid drunk ass-faces started picking fights. Also, that Josh guy on the stage was just retarded, He should have gotten a chair to the face.
All in all twas a good show. Tis the way I see it.
Anywho, that was my fucking weekend. Ta Da!

Hugs and Kisses,
~Sean

p.s. No hugs and kisses for you!

The Omnipotent Master

No being is more feared and worshiped as this being. He is the one who can decide whether you live or die; whether you get gold beyond your wildest dreams, or if you get a fucking fireball to the face; he owns you.
This being I am speaking of is none other than The Dungeon Master! Known on this plain of existance as Kevin Gibson.
For Kevin is the one who keeps all the ninjas, pirates, and red dragons at bay with his awesome smiting powers. It is Kevin who fucks over the Taliban every night so that honest, hard working Canadians can sleep sound. It is Kevin who puts the fucking food you eat on your plate! It is truly a humbling privilage to bestow his epic tales upon you readers out there.

When he was born to the plain through a mortal woman, straight out of the womb he kicked two ninjas to explosion, doctors knew they were not handling an ordinary boy.
In preschool while the other kids were playing with their spirographs, Kevin was inventing new planes of existance, and solar systems. Also he had some bad ass facial hair. Yes, he was born with it!

Fast forward to grade 5! You all may have been too young to remember, but in the year that Kevin was 5 there was a large gathering of evil forces of the earth. They were all meeting for one reason, and that reason was Kevin. For they thought he was the boy of legend, and they wanted to put an end to this. They sent a crack squad of Mounty Ninjas to assassinate Kevin before he reached maturity, but Kevin was tipped off by an annonymous source. Kevin thusly prepared Rocky style for the days before the MN's were scheduled to attack. Needless to say, with one glare Kevin istantly petrified about 3 MN's and also made them piss their pants. After this Kevin used his roundhouse kick to finish off about half of them, and after that, twas all Heart Takers from there! Real Temple of Doom style! Anyway, with that epic battle Kevin was through his first trial in this world.

Hmm, back to the Red Dragons! Kevin likes to take romps into the Fire Plain to kill them. Sources varie, but eye witnesses have told us that the Red Dragons have shat themselves before a good smiting. Kevin also enjoys the sport of ninja hunting. Armed only with one hand, he goes out into forests in Japan and attempts to attract schools on ninjas. When they get close enough Kevin uses his lightning fast reflexes to snath out all of their hearts in half a heart-beat. That's right; Half!

Now a days he spends his time fighting the Taliban, world hunger, and AIDS. He attends Sherwood Secondary, and this is just a clever guise, for he is really recruiting an army of Sherwood students to do his bidding, they do this willingly of course. For none can resist the ultra-charm of Kevin the Dungeon Master!

To end this epic tale of woes, foes, and whores, I will give this closing statement.
"If you let me fall into a single trap I swear to god I'll kill you"

Goodnight,
~Sean

The truth behind Dan Zagorac

To start off, take this link. http://video.fosfor.se/moscow-moscow-moscow/
That has nothing to do with Dan Zagorac.

Our good friend Mr. Zigzag here has had many a mishap... One of the most notable is when he accidentally created Pluto while playing baseball with Odin. Also, he was the first to speak in tongues; everyone else who does it is not doing it because of god, they are doing it because they want to be as cool as dan.
He has several illagitimate children, all named Mel Kizidack.
He does kick the odd baby or two, but that is beside the point.
He's also a Polygomist!
Eye witnesses have reported that Dan usually wears pants... and shirts. What he wears under those are anyone's guess...
Hmm... When pants are involved socks usually follow.
In some countries he is revered as a good, and in some he can pass by as a mere mortal. The latter is what usually happens in this world. But it shall soon be conquered.

He's been seen to join forces on odd occasions with the omnipotent Billy, what they plan is not known by those of SlothBlog... But we can assume it is schinanigans.
He prefers warm damp places... Usually burrowing under a layer of foliage. He prefers the round leaves...

His height makes it rather hard for him to fit in to crowds, so he usually just knee kicks people in the face. He is profficient in the knee-kick-to-face stance. It has been said that he does have a battle cry, but anyone close enough to hear it has had their faces a splode in soon after.

His main objective is to keep his tree fiddy, up to now we know he guards it with his life... And his knees.

I tire of this tonight, and I figure that The Dan Zagorac Experience has sapped my strangth.

~Sean

What Billy Gibbons doesn't want you to know!

Yes my vigilant viewers. I am finally creating the long awaited "Billy Blog!"
Let me start this off with a general description of Billy.

Billicus Kickassidus
Height: Fully extended he can reach a total of 10'2". He uses his enourmous size to pick the ripest fruit from the top of the tree, and to play basketball under the assumed alias of "Kobe Bryant"
Colour: Don't let his diet fool you, he is as white as a ghost and twice as ectoplasmic!
Mannerisms: He tends to live a secluded life and is in a symbiotic relationship with a creature called Bumper. It is not known what Bumper does, but it is common folk lore that Billy gives Bumper food, Bumper is pleased.
Language Skills: It is believed that he is fluent in English, Klingon, Orc, and whatever they speak in Chad.

Yeah so... He's the prime minister of Chad, not many people know that. He also draws some sick ass creatures. If you look close on the Chad flag, you should see "Billy was here" and it was notarized by me. :)

Here is an exerpt from our conversations that I like to call... Exhibit A!!!

Sean: {Sleepy... so sleepy} Do you think you can tell? says:
lol, billy, you have no soul
Can't Fit Her Limbs In The Fridge. says:
lmao
Sean: {Sleepy... so sleepy} Do you think you can tell? says:
and where your heart is, tis a concentrated brick of evil, and fried chicken

This proves the point. What point? I'm glad you asked!
Moving on, Billys prefer habbitats of dense overgrowth with plenty of wild fried chicken to eat. His diet consists of fried chicken, cheetoes, and a little thing I like to call super AIDS. His worst enemy is the dreaded strept throat that eventually goes to some sort of necrotizing bacteria... It is not confirmed but we believe it is from his diet of pure shit.
Billy has died several times, but few know he is so powerful in necromancy that he can even ressurect himself after he has met with let's say... An unfortunate circumstance? He also does it for party tricks, just ask him some time.
Everyone knows he works fro the CIA though, so that doesn't need to be covered.
Umm... Yeah.

On a side note, I would like to inform you all of the shortage of Fried Chicken in the world today. I'm not pointing fingers at anyone, but it would seem that from good sources, none other than the world expert on fried chicken, Billy Gibbons, that it is the black people. I would like, for the records, to state that Billy's views are in no way part of the views of the author of this blog. With that said, I agree. We either need more friend chickens, less SARS, or a new animal to feed off of, because I don't see the population dwindeling any time soon.

This has been a SlothBlog Report on the notorious Bi(lly)G(ibbons) or Notorious BiG for short.

~Sean

p.s. Dan is up for review soon!
p.s.s. Billy wields the power cosmic!!!1!!1!!!!!11!!